I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
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Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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