So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
