Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
