Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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