Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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