I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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