i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Cover your peen. We're going out.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
