I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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