i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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