I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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