I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
