I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
