JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
