Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
