Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
