I wanna bring you to show and tell
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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