My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
