You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
