I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
