My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
