I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
