never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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