come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
