So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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