the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I need moral support for this bender
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
