I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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