I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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