Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
