Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
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i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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