It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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