Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
