Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
