Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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