i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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