Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
