He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize