then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
