so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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