Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
