Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
