It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
