What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
