The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
