Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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