i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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