I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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