I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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