I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
