So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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