Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
they're like a gay fantastic four
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
