Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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