Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
