i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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