she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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