There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
